


Nothing Here For Me Yet

by JuggernautCosmos



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Coming Out, Friendship, One Shot, Questioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 07:58:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13853409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuggernautCosmos/pseuds/JuggernautCosmos
Summary: Carmensita spends the night at Daisy's house and the two get on the topic of gender expression, self acceptance and the struggle of coming out.





	Nothing Here For Me Yet

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick little fic that's been on my mind for a while. Enjoy!

She wasn’t sure how long she had been laying on her bed daydreaming, but the sudden ring of her phone brought her back to the present. Sitting up quickly, Carmensita answered after the second ring. “Hello?”

“Hey!” Daisy said, a mix of her ever present calming nature and excitement in her tone. “How are you?”

“I’m great!” Carmensita said with a smile. “I was just getting the last of my stuff packed before I came over ~”

“Oh, am I distracting you?”

“Of course not! I can talk now.”

Laying back in bed, Carmensita was soon engrossed in the conversation. The two girls chatted for a good half hour, ignoring the fact that they were going to see each other later that night. It took a while, but it seemed like they finally found time to have a sleepover in between their busy schedules of being students. Although they did manage to see each other at least once a day, Carmensita felt she could never have enough time with Daisy and any chance she could get extra time with her was precious.

After what seemed like only 5 minutes, Daisy cut the conversation short. “Ah, it looks like I have to go now. My dad wants me to help set up the rest of the house.”

“Your house doesn’t have to be squeaky clean” Carmensita laughed.

“I know, but parents really like having it spotless when they’re expecting guests. I guess it makes them feel like their life is together” Daisy said with a sigh.

“Oh good, it’s not just my own dad then” Carmensita quipped.

The girls said their goodbyes and Carmensita was soon left alone with her thoughts once more. Checking her watch, she realized she still had a good amount of time before she really had to hustle and if that was the case, she wasn’t going to rush herself anytime soon.

For the next long while, Carmensita didn’t do much except take a quick nap and try to figure out what she was going to wear that night. She figured Daisy and her would spend the majority of the time in their pajamas anyway, but she still wanted to make an effort to look nice. Standing in front of her full length mirror, she tried on a few different choices, none of them really speaking to her. She huffed; it wasn’t usually this hard to find something to wear, especially for something as casual as a sleepover.

In between swapping out clothes for the third time, she took a moment and looked herself over. A realization came over her and she frowned, her gaze travelling all over her mirror image.

 _I see … it’s gonna be one of those nights, huh?_ She thought to herself. She posed a bit, trying to decide what was bothering her. _It’s not my clothes … my face looks pretty nice today too … maybe it’s … ?_

She reached up, pulling her hair back into a makeshift bun. Smoothing down some stray curls, she examined the style from all sides and smiled sadly. “Yeah, that’s definitely it,” she determined, letting her hair go. It bounced back to it’s usual style, fluffing out more than usual due to her fiddling. Huffing, she tried to tame it for a few minutes before she gave up and accepted that it would be frizzy for the rest of her life. Knowing there wasn’t much else she could do, she went back to looking for an outfit. She eventually settled on her usual overalls, figuring it was better to stay safe than to try anything new that could potentially embarrass her.

“Alright” she said, clapping her hands together. “Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time to get down to business.” Rolling up her sleeves and with a look of determination, she started the packing process.

…

Some time later, a gentle knock on her door brought her out of her focus. Standing up straight, she answered. “Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

Her door opened, Mat greeting her with a smile. He stayed by the doorway, crossing his arms loosely. “How’s packing going?”

“I think I’m just about done.”

“Good.” Mat checked his watch. “We should head out pretty soon here if you want to be on time. Do you have everything you need?”

Carmensita surveyed the room, thinking about her answer. It shouldn’t have been that difficult to prepare for a sleepover, but she surprised herself with how often she forgot something important. It was so frequent that she and her dad had to comb through her room three or four times before ever stepping out of the house. She got better at the whole thing over time, but they always had to make sure.

“I think so” she said with something akin to confidence. They eyed each other for a minute before Mat smiled.

“Alright, let’s get going then.”

Slinging her rather full backpack over her shoulder, Carmensita took her dad’s hand and the two stepped out of the house. It was late afternoon, the sun well on its way to setting. She couldn’t remember the last time she had spent the night at Daisy’s house, but she figured it was about time they hung out again. Although they were a couple years apart, Carmensita really felt like she could trust Daisy to be a true friend and vice versa. It wasn’t like she couldn’t get along with any of the other kids in the cul de sac; Daisy just happened to know the most about her than anyone else.

Taking three steps for every one that Mat took, Carmensita could feel herself getting really excited. The two walked in a comfortable silence, but only for a moment before Mat decided to start conversation. “So what are your plans for the night?” he asked, sensing the bubbling energy coming from her. She smiled, mostly for herself.

“Just the usual sleepover stuff.”

“The usual stuff?”

“Yeah, like listen to music and talk about school. We’ll probably watch a movie or two and stuff our faces with snacks.”

Mat chuckled, albeit a little worriedly. “Is that right? Well, just don’t stay up too late. I’d like you to be awake by the time I pick you up again.”

Carmensita pouted, but accepted his advice. “I’ll do my best.”

The rest of the walk was pleasantly quiet, both of them taking in the nature that surrounded them. The nights were still pretty warm due to the season, but lately it had become a little more bearable. Carmensita was always a fan of the warmer weather and being out and about on a night like this was the best part.

About 20 minutes later, Carmensita and Mat stepped up to the front door of the Harding household. The front porch light was brightly lit and they could vaguely make out the sounds of life coming from inside. Mat rang the doorbell and the two stood patiently.

“Just a minute!” Brian called out. The could hear the sound of some muffled movement before the front door swung open, the inside of the house completely blocked by Brian’s large stature. “Mat! Carmen! Good to see you both!” Without so much as a breath, he reached out and pulled Mat into a hug, Carmensita stepping to the side to watch.

“G-Good to see you too!” Mat wheezed, most of the air knocked out of him from the tight hug. After a moment longer, Brian finally let go. Mat stumbled back onto his feet, regaining his composure. “Ah … how have you been?”

“I’ve been great!” Brian responded, chuckling heartily. “Been helping Daisy set up for tonight. Come on in!” Stepping aside, he ushered Mat and Carmensita in, closing the front door behind them. They were immediately hit with the strong scent of baked goods wafting from the kitchen.

“What are you baking?” Mat asked curiously, daring to take a peek into the kitchen area. Brian chuckled.

“A few batches of cookies using an old family recipe. It’s nothing too fancy, but it gets the job done I think.”

“It smells wonderful” Mat commented, taking another sniff at the air. Brian beamed from the compliment. “Familiar and yet … entirely unique.”

“They might be close to finished actually. Wanna take a look see?” He added quickly, “But you gotta keep it between the two of us. Family recipe, after all.”

“I promise“ Mat answered quickly and seriously. Satisfied with his answer, Brian turned his attention briefly to Carmensita. At the moment, she had settled herself on the couch, watching the two of them talk. “Daisy is in her room if you want to put your stuff away” he said with a smile. Nodding, she made her way out of the living room and found Daisy’s room with ease. The door was closed, so she knocked tentatively.

“Come in!” Came the soft reply. Looking herself over one last time just to make sure she was presentable, Carmensita opened the door. Just as she expected, Daisy was sat at her desk, seemingly in the middle of reading a book. The rest of her room was predictably sparse; her bed was neatly made and her walls were blessed with only a couple framed posters of historical female figures.

Carmensita absolutely loved it all.

“Hey!” Daisy greeted, getting up from her desk. Tossing her bag on Daisy’s bed, Carmensita practically jumped on her, giving her the biggest hug she could manage. The two almost fell to the ground from the force of the hug, but they managed to stay upright, Daisy returning the hug just as enthusiastically.

“How long has it been?” Carmensita asked after letting go. Daisy giggled, giving her a small smile.

“About 5 hours” she replied. “We saw each other at school today, remember?”

Carmensita waved her off. “That doesn’t count. I’m talking about the last time we hung out just you and me.”

Daisy furrowed her brow in thought. “...Two months I think?”

“Exactly! Two months too long.” With light steps, Carmensita moved to the bed, grabbed her bag and zipped it open. Searching for a moment, she pulled out a deck of cards, a few clothes and something else that was wrapped like a present. Putting the cards and clothing aside, she brushed off the gift and handed it over to Daisy. “This is for you.”

Daisy smiled, taking the gift gingerly. There was an imperfection to the wrapping, looking as if it was initially started by Carmensita and then finished by someone with a little more experience in paper folding. The paper itself was a nice goldenrod; one of Carmensita’s favorite colors. She looked it over, not yet ready to open it up. “Thank you!” she said sincerely. “But … you really didn’t have to get me anything. My birthday isn’t for another month.”

“I don’t need a reason to get you something” Carmensita insisted. “If you really like someone, you gotta give them surprises every now and again so that they remember that you like them.”

“R-Really?” Daisy blinked, frowning a bit. “If I knew that, I would have gotten you something too …”

“Don’t worry about it” Carmensita said, her excitement growing. “Open it!”

Nodding, Daisy made quick work of the wrapping and revealed a small journal and the first book in a series she hadn’t heard about yet. It was hard for her to hide her gratitude. “W-Wow!” she exclaimed, looking back at Carmensita happily. “This is so thoughtful. Thank you!”

“No worries ~” Carmensita replied. “It took me forever to find a book I knew you hadn’t read.” She paused, a look of worry crossing her face. “You … haven’t read this one yet, right?”

Daisy shook her head. “Nope, and I’m really excited to start!”

“Carmensita!” Mat called from the living room. Both of the girls perked up and Carmensita quickly excused herself, answering his call.

“Yeah?” she asked, stepping out to find her dad waiting patiently for her by the door. He was holding a plastic container full of cookies, courtesy of Brian.

“I’m heading out now” he informed her. “You got your phone on you, right?”

Carmensita patted her pockets, pulling out her phone to show him. “Yup.”

“Good. Don’t be afraid to call me if you need anything.”

“Will do.”

Mat opened up his free arm and Carmensita came in for their last hug of the night. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 10, alright?” Mat chuckled, fixing her hair a bit as they let go of each other.

She nodded. “Sounds like a plan!”

Saying their goodbyes, Mat walked out, closing the door behind him. Without missing a moment, Carmensita bolted to the window, pulling back the curtains to watch her dad make his way back to their house. She waved at him, knowing he wasn’t going to see her, but felt like it was still necessary. After a moment longer, she returned her attention back to Daisy, who had entered the room just then.

“Did your dad leave already?” she asked. Carmensita nodded before stopping abruptly when she noticed Daisy carrying the book she was gifted.

“Hey!” Carmensita gasped, causing Daisy to jump in surprise. “Are you reading it now?!”

“Y-Yes!” Daisy replied with the same amount of gusto. “Was I … not supposed to?”

Carmensita blinked, mulling over Daisy’s question. After a brief silence, she tilted her head and smiled. “Nah.”

…

Carmensita made an effort not to keep her eyes on the clock as the night went on, although it really wasn’t that easy. It was a habit of hers where she wouldn’t really be in the moment and instead was counting down how much time was left before it was all gone. She knew it was counter intuitive and made time pass even faster, but the important part for her was she was making the effort to quit. At least for this night she had only checked her watch three times in about an hour, making it a personal record.

There would have been a fourth time, but a gentle hand on her wrist took her attention and she looked over at Daisy. “Are you waiting for something?” Daisy asked softly. The two were sat on the living room couch, a comedic movie playing on the television. Carmensita laughed nervously, her cheeks reddening in embarrassment.

“N-No” she replied. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to look like I was distracted.”

Daisy smiled, knowing when not to pry. “Alright. The movie is almost done anyway. After this we can hang out in my room.”

Carmensita nodded and sat through the rest of the movie without incident. If she was being honest, she wasn’t really interested in the plot; it was about two young, conventionally attractive, straight white people that fell in love and went through a myriad of shenanigans together. It was still pretty funny when it wanted to be, but she had gotten bored of the same thing over and over again.

 _What’s wrong with seeing people like me fall in love and be involved in situational comedy?_ She wondered, her brow furrowing just slightly at the thought. She knew she didn’t understand the entire concept of representation on the complex level that her father did, but that didn’t stop her from asking questions when she thought they were needed. It seemed important for her dad to point out these kinds of things and she wanted to continue that in her own circles.

She glanced over at Daisy, who seemed engrossed in the movie.

_Daisy would understand what I’m talking about … right?_

The movie ended sooner than Carmensita expected, but she didn’t mind. Her favorite part of these sleepovers was getting to have one on one time with Daisy and she had a feeling tonight would be very important.

As the two cleaned up some of the mess they left on the couch, Brian entered the room. “Hey girls!” he said happily. “Are you going back to Daisy’s room? Do you want me to bring out the mattress?”

“The mattress?” Carmensita asked, a little confused.

“My dad bought an air mattress the other day” Daisy said. “We decided we didn’t want you to have to sleep on the couch.”

“O-Oh, I don’t mind sleeping on the couch!” Carmensita said quickly, hoping she didn’t give off the vibe of being uncomfortable before.

“Nonsense, you’ll feel much better on a proper bed” Brian chuckled. “Besides, it’ll give you more time to hang out and you won’t have to walk back out here to get to sleep.”

Giving her gratitude, Carmensita continued straightening up the living room with Daisy as Brian set up the air mattress. About 30 minutes later, the two girls found themselves comfortably sat on Daisy’s bed. Already in their pajamas, they had decided to start a simple card game of War.

“How did you like the movie?” Daisy asked in between turns.

“I thought it was okay” Carmensita said with a shrug. “It … wasn’t really my favorite.”

“I agree” Daisy said, her focus still on the game at hand. “It was pretty formulaic and I didn’t think the main characters had any chemistry. They came off as more like siblings than lovers.”

“I-I don’t think it was that bad” Carmensita said, surprised at Daisy’s admission. “I thought it was funny and sweet at the end.”

“Yeah of course, but it’s not the first time they’ve made movies with that same plot.” She glanced at Carmensita. “I’m waiting for something different.”

Carmensita tilted her head to the side, then nodded. “Yeah, me too.”

The girls moved on to more light hearted topics, such as school, their parents and any new books they were reading. Carmensita was always fascinated by how quickly Daisy could read through a book, let alone an entire series. She herself wasn’t that slow of a reader, but she certainly couldn’t finish the entire Harry Potter series in a week. Even on her busiest days with school and extracurricular activities, Daisy still managed to get at least two books a week into her busy schedule.

“I guess I’m just a pretty fast reader” Daisy said with a slight blush of embarrassment.

“But what’s your secret?” Carmensita pressed. “I’ve been dying to get faster at reading.”

“I think you’ve improved though!” Daisy looked up in thought. “You did finish a book in about two weeks, right? That’s definitely better than before.”

“Yeah, but it’s not as fast as you. I want to be able to read at least one book a day!” Carmensita puffed up her chest, strong in her convictions. Daisy merely chuckled.

“I guess … you just have to believe what you’re reading is another world that really exists. That you’re getting involved in the someone’s life story.”

“Can you do that with all kinds of books?” Carmensita asked, raising an eyebrow.

Daisy nodded. “Well sure. Each story has a main character, right? Whether its historical fiction, fantasy or even a retelling of an old fable, they all have something to say. They all have a journey and a lesson here and there that you can really commit yourself to, especially if it’s something you yourself are dealing with.”

“I don’t think I’ve found a book yet that talks about my problems” Carmensita said, forcing a small laugh. Daisy smiled, shrugging.

“Yeah, same.”

The game ended after another hour, with Carmensita winning by a slight margin. They moved on to a few other card games, eventually abandoning them all together to just lay around and talk. Carmensita settled herself onto the air mattress, while Daisy took her own bed. They decided on a typical girly topic to begin their discussion.

“What do you think happens to us after we die?” Carmensita asked.

“I don’t know” Daisy answered. “I don’t think anyone really knows for sure.”

“Well, what would you want to happen after you die?”

Daisy took a little longer to think about her answer this time. “I kind of like the idea of heaven. Where you could go to a nice happy place and exist there forever … what about you?”

“I think I’d want to be reborn again” Carmensita said confidently. “I’d want to be able to come back and see what else society ends up doing.”

“What if it ends up being less than you expect?”

Carmensita gave her a deadpan look. “It can’t really be any worse than what’s happening now.”

They laughed, the idea of life disintegrating lower than its current state sounding just about as funny and dark as humanly possible. They lay silence, getting lost in their own thoughts for only a moment. “If you could come back, would you want to be exactly the same or someone else?” Daisy asked casually.

“I want to be a boy.”

“Really?”

“I-I mean, just to see what it’s like” Carmensita finished quickly, laughing nervously. “It has to be different than being a girl, right?”

“Yeah, I would imagine so …” Daisy agreed, thinking. “You don’t have to worry about looking cute …”

“Or have adults ask if you have a boyfriend yet” Carmensita added. “I’m not even in high school yet and they think I have time for a boyfriend.”

“You could probably get away with a lot of stuff too. At least, it seems that way with Ernest and Lucien.”

“I think they’re outliers. There aren’t a lot of other boys at school that do what they do.”

Daisy nodded in agreement. “So would you really want to be a boy?”

“Um … not really” Carmensita said, avoiding eye contact. “But I wouldn’t want to be a girl either.”

Daisy, now genuinely confused, furrowed her brow. “So … something in between?”

“Maybe.” Carmensita forced another laugh. “Let’s talk about something else.”

“Ah … okay” Daisy said, feeling a slight wall come up between her and Carmensita. She didn’t let it bother her though. There were just some things people weren’t willing to talk about.

She picked another subject and soon the two of them were discussing mundane things, such as plans for their summer break and what Daisy was going to do for her birthday.

...

Carmensita rolled on her back, her eyes searching the ceiling for something to distract her mind. It was well into the night and the two girls had gone to bed sometime before. But no matter how comfortable she felt, anxiety was keeping Carmensita from falling asleep. Her mind was racing, thinking back on their conversations.

 _Why did I tell her I wanted to be a boy?_ She cursed herself. _She probably thinks I’m such a weirdo now._

She shook her head, trying to fight the anxiety swelling in her chest. _No, Daisy is my friend. She wouldn’t judge me for feeling like that._ She broke her gaze from the ceiling, and looked over to Daisy’s bed. _Should I … say something then?_ There really wasn’t anything pushing her to mention how she felt and she could have just as easily gone back to bed and forget today.

But she couldn’t go back to bed and she wasn’t going to forget. This was going to eat at her and if she was going to say something, it had to be then and there.

 _If Daisy knew I was keeping this to myself, she’d want to know how to help. She’d want me to say something._ Carmensita took a deep breath and decided it was now or never. “Daisy …?” she said softly.

“Yeah?” Daisy whispered back quickly, Carmensita realizing neither of them were really ready for bed yet. She twiddled her thumbs, her heart racing.

“You … you’re my best friend, right?”

“I would hope so, yes.”

“And if I told you a secret, you would keep that secret … right?”

Daisy didn’t answer right away this time and instead Carmensita listened to her shift around. She eventually peak over the edge of the bed, their eyes immediately connecting. “Is everything okay?” She asked, concern obvious in her tone.

Carmensita forced a laugh. “Y-Yeah totally! Everything is okay.” She paused, breaking eye contact and redirecting her attention briefly on the wall to her left. Daisy watched her quietly.

“You’ve been a little distracted all evening” she observed. “That’s why I ask.”

“I-I know …” Carmensita kept looking at the wall, feeling her heart thumping madly as time passed. She knew Daisy wouldn’t pressure her to say anything she didn’t want, but even before today it had been on her mind and she didn’t think she could go another day keeping it to herself. Slowly, she turned her head and looked at Daisy. “Do you ever feel like … maybe you’re not meant to be who you are now?”

Daisy blinked, trying to understand Carmensita’s words, but came up empty. “What do you mean?”

“Like … do you ever feel like what you see in the mirror isn’t really you?” Her frown deepened as Daisy slowly shook her head. Carmensita sighed. “I didn’t think so …” She rolled over, indicating that she wasn’t really interested in talk anymore. Not even a minute passed before Daisy spoke up again.

“Do you feel that way?” she asked. Carmensita stayed where she was with her back to Daisy.

“Sometimes …” she mumbled, still hesitant to really talk.

“What part of you do you not think is you?” Daisy’s questions were soft and not at all pressing for any kind of answer. Carmensita let out a tight breath, hunching her shoulders a bit.

“It’s different every day. Sometimes it’s my hair, sometimes it’s my clothes, sometimes it’s my face … I’ll look at it and go ‘this isn’t what I should look like.’ I know it sounds weird but -”

“I don’t think it’s weird.” Carmensita flinched and finally turned back to Daisy. Their eyes met once more and Carmensita could see the conviction in Daisy’s face that matched her tone.

“R-Really?” she asked, blinking in surprise. Daisy nodded.

“Really. I don’t know what it is your feeling, but it’s still a feeling. That much I can acknowledge.” Carmensita watched as Daisy slowly got out of bed and joined her on the air mattress. She sat up as well and the two were soon facing each other on either end. Daisy spoke up once more. “How long have you been feeling this way?”

“I don’t know …” Carmensita looked down at her hands, her brow furrowing. “At least a year.”

“That’s a really long time.”

“I-I guess so. It sure feels like it.”

“Is there anything that makes you feel a little better?”

“Well …” Carmensita thought quietly. “Sometimes when we go shopping for clothes, I’ll try on boys jackets. You know like the one Ernest wears all the time? Yeah, that kind. And maybe some boys jeans because those kind don’t hug your legs like girl pants do.” She smiled at the memory. “They’re just so comfortable and warm and I feel so free when I wear them.”

“You don’t think girls clothes are comfortable for you?”

Carmensita shook her head vehemently, screwing up her face in mild disgust. “I mean, some of them are comfortable. But not all the time. Girls clothes are also kinda … ugly. They’re always some obnoxious neon color and have glitter words that say like ‘princess’ or ‘emojis!’ or whatever. I don’t even talk like that.”

“Yeah, me neither” Daisy said with a heavy sigh. She thought for a moment. “You know, I don’t shop in the girls section that much either.”

“Really?” Carmensita perked up, a smile coming across her face. “Why not?”

Daisy shrugged nonchalantly. “I have similar sentiments; I don’t feel comfortable in those clothes and I think they’re pretty ugly. But, the main reason is because they don’t always fit me right. So most of my wardrobe is from the boys section.”

“Well that’s not fair” Carmensita huffed, clearly annoyed by the information. “You should be able to fit in anything you want!”

“It’s not a big deal” Daisy said through a laugh. “Like I said, most girl clothes aren’t my style anyway. I prefer the muted tones of boys clothes.” Carmensita’s brow furrowed, but she didn’t continue on the issue. Daisy wasn’t bothered by it, so she wasn’t going to try and get riled up over nothing. Sensing it was time for a slight shift in conversation, Daisy continued. “Have you asked your dad to buy any for you? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“No, but they sometimes still end up in my dresser.” Carmensita muttered. “I guess he goes back after our trips and buys them because he knows they make me happy. But I've never tried to wear them out, so they’ve stayed in my drawers.”

“Has he noticed you not wearing them?”

“I guess so? But he hasn’t brought it up yet.”

“Well … he did buy them for you. I don’t think he would mind.”

“What if he does though?” Carmensita became slightly frantic, her anxiety rising again. “What if I wear them and he sees me and thinks it’s not okay? What if he doesn’t really understand why I want to wear those clothes?”

“I-I don’t think he would do that.”

“But what if?”

Daisy frowned, suddenly understanding the scope of Carmensita’s fear. “What is it you’re scared of? Really?”

The question hit Carmensita directly in the heart and a heat rose in her cheeks that wasn’t there moments ago. She sucked in a sharp breath and she could feel her eyes beginning to water. With shaky hands, she wrapped her arms around herself and took a moment before answering. “What if … I tell him and he doesn’t love me anymore?”

“Stop it” Daisy’s voice was sharp, making Carmensita jump from the force behind it. “Don’t think like that.”

“I can’t help it … I’ve never talked to him about something like this before.”

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.”

“But what if he doesn’t like what I have to say?”

“You don’t know what he’ll say.”

“Neither do you.”

Daisy paused, taking in Carmensita’s expression. It was a mixture of fear and listlessness. _She must be tired of the weight from all this …_ Daisy thought. She eventually sighed quietly, searching her mind for an answer. “You’re right, I don’t know … but I know that he means well. Even if he didn’t understand, I know he would make an effort.” She reached over, putting a hand on Carmensita’s shoulder. “Listen, if it’s really scary and you don’t feel safe, don’t say anything. But … I don’t think you give him enough credit. “ Daisy grimaced slightly. “I mean, let’s be honest, I would be more worried if your dad was Mr. Christiansen.”

For a second there was silence and suddenly Carmensita couldn’t stop herself from laughing at the comparison, Daisy giggling with her. “Y-Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

The moment let her relax slightly, but Carmensita couldn’t help but frown at her still lingering dilemma. “What do you think I should do … ?”

Daisy took her time to really think of her reply. “Well, for one, I don’t think you should ignore it. It’s obviously bothering you and I would be a bad friend if I said it was ‘just a phase.’ But whether or not you tell your dad is up to you. If you feel safe, then I would tell him. If anything about your relationship with him is an indication of a bad reaction, I would wait. At least until you had resources.”

Carmensita nodded, trying to commit all the information to memory. “So … I gotta think about it? Let it sit in my brain for a bit?”

“At least until you know exactly what you want to do” Daisy said. “Does that help you?”

Carmensita nodded vigorously and leaned over to embrace Daisy in a tight hug. Daisy went with it, patting her on the back gently. “Thanks …” Carmensita said, her voice muffled in Daisy’s shoulder. “You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for.”

Daisy smiled. “You too.”

…

Morning came to the Harding household and Carmensita was surprised she managed to sleep at all. Yawning, she sat up in bed and stretched out her arms as far as she could. She was thankful the bed was as comfortable as Brian had said.

“Morning!” Daisy greeted.

“Morning!” Carmensita replied back, just as happily. Getting out of bed, she noticed Daisy was still in her own, a book placed neatly in her nap. “Were you waiting for me to get up?” She asked.

“Not really” Daisy said. “I’ve only been up for about a half an hour and I usually like to read before I do anything else for the day.”

“Okay good, then I don’t feel so bad about waking up after you.” Excusing herself, Carmensita entered the bathroom, making herself a little more presentable for breakfast. Checking the clock, she realized it wasn’t really that late; it was only 8:45 and her dad wasn’t going to pick her up until 10. “That gives me … an hour and 15 minutes” she said, struggling slightly to do the math in her head. Satisfied, she finished up her business and went back to Daisy’s room.

Spending some time chatting, they were eventually called down to the dining room. There, Brian had cooked a large breakfast that included pancakes, scrambled eggs, toast with jam, bacon and hash browns. He also poured them each a nice tall glass of apple juice.

“W-Wow, this looks really delicious!” Carmensita complimented, taking her spot at the table. “Thank you so much!”

“Don’t worry about it Carmen!” Brian said heartily, sporting his cooking apron. “I always make sure Daisy and her friends get the perfect start to their day ~”

“Thanks dad” Daisy said with an appreciative, albeit a bit of an embarrassed smile. All three of them ate well, Brian being the one to initiate conversation about a variety of topics. It didn’t take long for them to finish and soon Carmensita was off once more to get her things together. Dressing up in her overalls, due to the fact that she didn’t feel like putting on her other outfit, she got to work gathering her stuff from Daisy’s room.

“Hey” Daisy said suddenly, watching Carmensita move around the room from where she sat at her desk.

“Yeah?” Carmensita stopped to look at her, open backpack in hand.

Daisy closed her bedroom door behind her, ensuring they had some privacy. “Are you gonna be okay?” she asked slowly. Carmensita dropped her shoulders a bit, thinking.

“Yeah, I think so” she replied, smiling a little. “Talking with you … it really helped me out.”

Daisy smiled back, letting out a little sigh of relief. “Good, I’m glad.” Carmensita quietly went back to packing, folding her pajamas as neatly as possible. “If you need anything else” Daisy continued, “You know where to find me.”

Zipping up her backpack, Carmensita slung it over her shoulder and beamed at Daisy. “Thank you, I really appreciate the support.”

“Have you decided what you’re going to do?” It was a tentative question, Daisy fully preparing for her to put up a wall again. This time however, that didn’t seem to be the case.

“Yeah” Carmensita started, looking down thoughtfully. “I think … I’ll talk to him.” She felt her heart beat a little faster. “It’s gonna be scary … and I don’t know what to expect, but I gotta treat it like a band aid, right? Do it fast and all at once.”

Daisy nodded. “Only if that's what you really want.”

“I-I do.”

“Okay” Daisy came in for another hug. “I support you.” The doorbell out front suddenly rang and the two girls knew their time was up.

“Looks like I gotta go” Carmensita said a little weakly. Adjusting her backpack, she let herself be led out to the living room by Daisy. There, Brian had already answered the door and was greeting Mat.

“Hey Sweetheart!” Mat said as soon as he spotted her. “How was it?”

“It was fun!” she said enthusiastically. “Mr. Harding was really nice.”

“I’m glad to hear it ~” After taking a few more minutes to say goodbye to Daisy, Carmensita walked out the door with Mat and onto the sidewalk. They fell silent, enjoying the walk as they always did with Mat holding her hand. This time though, Carmensita could feel herself getting distracted. Her mind was buzzing with what she had told Daisy and wondered if now was a good time. She debated briefly about waiting until they got home, but she knew she would just hide in her room and avoid the talk.

She looked around, noticing that they were pretty much alone. No one else seemed to be outside and it didn’t look like they would be bothered by the time they reached their house. Her body started to tingle with apprehension and she knew that if there was ever an ideal time to talk, it was now. “Hey dad?”

Mat looked down at her. “Yeah?” he answered. He could feel her grip on his hand tighten as she thought, her small fingers fidgeting anxiously.

“U-Um …” she squeaked, feeling her throat tighten from the mere idea of opening up to him. Mat could see the look on her face and he immediately stopped walking.

“Carmensita?” Keeping his grip on her hand, he moved to crouch in front of her, getting at her level. She brought her gaze up just enough to make eye contact, her heart thumping wildly in her chest. She was feeling light headed and cursed herself for getting so worked up even before she said anything. It was obvious she was struggling and Mat instantly became concerned. “What’s going on? Is something bothering you?” he asked, his voice gentle and soothing. He reached up, cupping her cheek gently while his other hand slowly massaged hers.

Carmensita swallowed thickly, feeling herself on the verge of crying again. “I-If there was something different about me … you’d still love me, r-right?”

Mat blinked, caught off guard by her question. The short silence between them was deafening and Carmensita began to immediately regret everything. Before she could take it back however, he smiled.

“Sweetheart, I’d love you no matter what.”

She returned the gesture weakly, letting out a breath she was holding. “R-Really?” she asked, her tone hopeful.

“Really.” He smiled at her, but there was a sadness in his eyes from seeing her so affected by whatever was going on inside. “What’s making you feel different?”

“A lot” she replied, much quicker than she anticipated. She fidgeted a bit, trying to decide if she wanted to elaborate. He watched her patiently.

“Go ahead” he encouraged, smile still in place.

She took a deep breath, allowing herself to finally let go. “I feel like maybe I like boy clothes better” she started. “I don’t really like the color pink or dollhouses either. I-I don’t want to be called ‘princess’ anymore or have people tell me I look ‘pretty’ a-and I hate looking in the mirror because I don’t … I don’t like what I see.” She stopped, catching her breath. Mat stared at her intensely, thinking over what she had said.

“Alright” he finally said, making her flinch. “Let’s work on that then.”

She blinked, not expecting such a forward response. “That’s … it?”

He chuckled. “Honey, the last thing I want you to do is to grow up thinking you have to be what everyone else expects. If you like boys clothing, that’s what we’ll get you. If you want to change your room or your looks or whatever, we’ll do that too.” He gently wiped a tear from her face. “When I was your age, I remember what it was like to feel different for many reasons. It haunted me, thinking that I would never find where I belonged.”

“How ... did you deal with it?” She asked, not knowing her dad had such a story to tell.

“At first I just accepted that I was always going to feel lost. But as I grew up and learned about pride and self worth, I decided I wasn’t going to let myself be stuck anymore. Now everything I do is because it makes me happy, not because it makes someone else tolerate me.” He paused, letting Carmensita take in everything he said. “Have you been dealing with this for a while?”

She debated on fibbing a bit, but her mouth worked faster than her mind. “A-About a year …”

Mat’s face fell. “Oh, honey …”

“I-I was scared!” She insisted. Pulling away from him, she took a few steps back, her hands nervously playing with her shirt. “I didn’t think … I didn’t think I could tell you …”

Mat watched her, his heart aching. “Were you really that afraid?” he asked. She could feel her face become wet with tears as she nodded. She couldn’t look at him and did everything not to fall to the ground and curl up in a crying mess.

Mat gave her time to collect herself again, his gaze never leaving her. Wiping her face slowly, she eventually looked back at him, her eyes puffy and face red. He was the first to speak.

“Sweetheart, come here …” He opened up his arms and without a second thought, she quickly embraced him. With one arm wrapped tightly around her, he smoothed down her hair with his other hand, her face buried in his chest. Her tiny body was shaking, but she managed not to start crying again. “Don’t ever be afraid to tell me anything” he muttered, keeping his voice low. “Whether or not it has to do with this, I want you to feel safe coming to me for help. Okay?”

She didn’t answer and instead she merely nodded, her face still hidden. Gently, he moved back from her and kissed the top of her forehead.

"I'm proud of you" he said, watching her face light up once more. Despite her overwhelming emotions, Carmensita could feel a weight lift from her chest. Everything that had been swimmingly mindlessly in her head for over a year was now out in the open and the most important people in her life would keep it safe. She knew it wasn’t the end of her journey and that there would be a lot more she would have to learn about her own self perception. But this was a start and to have this moment, here with her dad, was enough.

The two stayed there for longer than they could remember, but eventually they let go of each other and continued on their way back home. She leaned a little against Mat, her hand holding onto his as if she was afraid that letting go would pull her from some kind of dream.

“Sweetheart?” Mat’s voice gently took her from her thoughts.

“Yeah …?”

“I love you.”

She smiled, his words having a different, stronger meaning behind them. She replied just the same. “I love you too.”


End file.
